New Years Intentions

1. Lose weight. Specifically 15 lbs. by April 1st.
2. Re-build lost muscle.
3. Be an adventurous sewist. Learn new skills, try my hand at sewing clothes.
4. Settle in a place where we can remain for a long while.
5. Get a real job.
6. Plan for life better.
7. Take more time to find and cook healthy recipes for my family.
8. be a good mom, and enjoy my children.
9. Re-build my relationship with God - it has really faltered the past couple years.
10. Love my husband with an intense passion. Build on our relationship, and spend more time together.
11. Take a real vacation. Perhaps Zion National Park in Utah.

Snarky Reflections on 2009

1.What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Lived through the year 2009.

2.Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did not make any, because I cannot commit to anything, but I will be making some for 2010.

3.Did anyone close to you give birth? No.

4.Did anyone close to you die? No.

5.What countries did you visit? None.

6.What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Contentment despite circumstances.

7.What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory? There are so many I'd like to forget, and I know those are the ones that I will always think about.

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year? Sewing better.

9.What was your biggest failure? I have so many failures and regrets from this past year, it would bve so hard to name just one.

10.Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope

11.What was the best thing you bought? Mark bought me a guitar.

12.Whose behavior merited celebration? Nobody.

13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Mine, and other choice people.

14.Where did most of your money go? Bills, bills, bills, and more bills. Some food here, a car payment there, more bills.

15.What did you get really, really, really excited about? Absolutely nothing.

16.What song/album will always remind you of 2009? The Climb - Miley Cyrus, cheesy I know, but true.

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:

1.happier or sadder? sadder

2.thinner or fatter? fatter

3.richer or poorer? poorer

18.What do you wish you’d done more of? larger dose of depression meds, more time on the treadmill, won the lottery.

19.What do you wish you’d done less of? lying, hating, yelling.

20.How will you be spending Christmas? Already did, at home with Mark and the kids.

21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Mark

22.Did you fall in love in 2009? Nope

23.How many one night stands in this last year? None, never had one in my life.

24.What was your favourite TV program? The Office for sure.

25.Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Absolutely, 4 of them, and more.

26.What was the best book(s) you read? Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen.

27.What was your greatest musical discovery? Guitar

28.What did you want and get? Guitar

29.What did you want and not get? Out of Africa

30.What were your favorite films of this year? Kung Fu Panda

31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I don't remember, and I turned 28.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Trusting God (I'd say MORE, but I really don't think I've trusted Him at all this year).

33.How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? No fashion, too fat for it at this point, and no money for clothes.

34.What kept you sane? Drugs, lots and lots of (prescription) drugs.

35.Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None

36.What political issue stirred you the most? Can't stand the donkeys, really can't stand the elephants.

37.Who did you miss? The old me. Where did she go?

38.Who was the best new person you met? Christina

39.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Don't trust anyone, especially church leadership.

40.Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? It's the climb.

Good Things

Oh Happy Day

I love freshly laundered and folded fabric. It makes my day.


Anna Maria Horner fat quarters - might be used for some baby doll quilts?



Future job: Baby Blanket



I'm thinking aprons



More bags. Perhaps some camera straps.



Two bags that just need to be put together with their guts to be finished.

Jumbled

This is a real deer that walked up to us to be fed. Crazy.




So our computer is all locked up with a a fairly nasty virus that I don't know how to get rid of.

My new medication is working well for anxiety, and alright for depression. I cut the dose in half after a few weeks of walking around like a zombie. I've been very tired, and still been getting pretty severe headaches almost everyday.

I'm getting a new sewing machine. I'm pretty excited about that! :)

Lucy the super puppy decided to go through her first heat before she turned a year old. Gross.

Last weekend we spent time up in the mountains doing a youth retreat. It was fun, and nice to get away to the cooler weather.

If you're interested

Yesterday I switched depression medications. I'm now taking Zoloft. Zoloft should help with the anxiety and depression, where-as Wellbutrin aggravated my anxiety, but worked pretty well for depression. It's been tiring coming off of Wellbutrin which gave me plenty of energy - well enough to make me feel normal anyway. This past week I've been unable to get to sleep, yet taking naps in the day. I've had at least 4 headaches, and have not been able to wake up in the morning. It sucks. Because Zoloft works well for anxiety too, I fear that it will not give me the energy boost I need everyday. But I also need to diminish my anxiety.

It's so hard to have to deal with medication, and its side effects, but I know that I need it. I don't look forward to the next few weeks adjusting to a new medication, and dealing with the lapse in medication coverage. I fear I'll get very depressed like the last time I switched medications.

I'm very much looking for a job right now, and I'm hoping I can find a good paying job that works around my family's schedule. I don't want to have to put the kids in an after-school program, or hire a babysitter.

I have a wonderful opportunity to do something, but there might be some obstacles keeping me from that opportunity. I can't divulge that information now, or ever probably, but I'm just praying that God will take care of it, and give me 100% assurance that I should/should not take the opportunity.

Phoenix is doing well in full day Kindergarten. This is Kaileigh's last year in elementary school. my kids are growing up. It's nice. Scary, but nice. Every day they both grow a bit more independent.

I wish I could talk candidly about my life as some people do, but I fear that things I say could used as ammunition at some point if they're made known. I'm not trying to sound like I'm in the Mexican Mafia or anything funny like that, but I just don't want to ever cripple Mark's ministry here or elsewhere. Maybe someday we'll be in a situation that I can truly be happy about.

The LORD has really been speaking to my heart lately. It's so hard to listen and let myself be transformed. Maybe the Zoloft will help with that... :)

Replacing the broken places with contentment

I have so many things to say, but simply no words to say those things. So many thoughts wander through my head all day, but I can never find a way to put them out there to everyone else. When I try, everything is jumbled and I edit draft after draft trying to make my point. The point is, I think, that there are really no points to be made. Just observations about myself. I don't want to end up sounding like a mad- woman or a rambler.

Wasn't it Moses who had the speech impediment and wondered why God would ever want to use him? I kinda feel the same way - I'm not eloquent, but I know God desires to use me for powerful change.

So for the time being I'll just continue on the quest - the one I've been on for a while now, trying to peel off the shallow layers on the surface to find the deep contentment I know can be found underneath.

Jesus is working on me. He has been knocking on my door for a long time. I just need to open myself up to Him so He can get to the broken parts. But opening myself up to Him is the hardest part. I believe in Him wholeheartedly, my husband is a Pastor for goodness sake, but I just can't devote myself to following Jesus with all my heart. I only want to give a little so that I don't have to make a commitment. It's the sad truth.


I read this today in an email devotional I receive:


"Contentment becomes like a new set of contacts or binoculars. Our world expands as we see beyond ourselves and invite God into the picture. It becomes a spiritual act of grace, a work of God in our hearts as we give it all to Him."