I love freshly laundered and folded fabric. It makes my day.
Anna Maria Horner fat quarters - might be used for some baby doll quilts?
Future job: Baby Blanket
I'm thinking aprons
More bags. Perhaps some camera straps.
Two bags that just need to be put together with their guts to be finished.
1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Diet Coke
2.Where was your profile picture taken? In my house
3. Can you play Guitar Hero? I suck at it
4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Monsters vs. Aliens
5.How late did you stay up last night and why? I was in bed around midnight
6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Absolutely!
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? probably
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Christina
9. Do you believe ex boyfriends can be friends? It depends on how serious the relationship was, but honestly, probably not.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? It would be awesome if the Diet tasted as good as the original.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard? So many times this past year.
12. Who took your profile picture? Me.
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? No idea.
14. Was yesterday better than today? I hope not. Yesterday was stressful and tiring.
15. Can you live a day without TV? Yes. I often go days without watching anything on tv.
16. Are you upset about anything? Lots of things.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Some are, some aren't.
18. Are you a bad influence? No.
19. Night out or night in? Night in, although if we lived in a bigger city a night out once a month or so would be great - it is much needed.
20. What items could you not go without during the day? Mascara. Everything else is optional.
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? Steve
22. What does the last text message in your in-box say? "here are you?"
23. How do you feel about your life right now? Do you honestly want to hear the truth?
24. Do you hate anyone? There are many people that I can't stand to look at or think about. There are many people who have extremely upset my life while they were too busy thinking about theirs. So I just try not to think about/look at those people.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? Random emails.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? As long as prescription drugs don't count.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Sure. But they were seriously miss-led.
28. What song is stuck in your head? None at the moment.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? It better be pretty darn important. Maybe my parents surprise visiting us.
30.Wanna have grand kids by the time you're 50? When I'm 50 Kaileigh will be 33, and Phoenix will be 28, so if they haven't had kids yet they better hurry up and do so.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Church. Everything else is optional.
32. Do you think too much or too little? It depends on what it is.
33. Do you smile a lot? No.
34. Phone or email? Email. I hate talking on the phone.
This is a real deer that walked up to us to be fed. Crazy.
So our computer is all locked up with a a fairly nasty virus that I don't know how to get rid of.
My new medication is working well for anxiety, and alright for depression. I cut the dose in half after a few weeks of walking around like a zombie. I've been very tired, and still been getting pretty severe headaches almost everyday.
I'm getting a new sewing machine. I'm pretty excited about that! :)
Lucy the super puppy decided to go through her first heat before she turned a year old. Gross.
Last weekend we spent time up in the mountains doing a youth retreat. It was fun, and nice to get away to the cooler weather.
Yesterday I switched depression medications. I'm now taking Zoloft. Zoloft should help with the anxiety and depression, where-as Wellbutrin aggravated my anxiety, but worked pretty well for depression. It's been tiring coming off of Wellbutrin which gave me plenty of energy - well enough to make me feel normal anyway. This past week I've been unable to get to sleep, yet taking naps in the day. I've had at least 4 headaches, and have not been able to wake up in the morning. It sucks. Because Zoloft works well for anxiety too, I fear that it will not give me the energy boost I need everyday. But I also need to diminish my anxiety.
It's so hard to have to deal with medication, and its side effects, but I know that I need it. I don't look forward to the next few weeks adjusting to a new medication, and dealing with the lapse in medication coverage. I fear I'll get very depressed like the last time I switched medications.
I'm very much looking for a job right now, and I'm hoping I can find a good paying job that works around my family's schedule. I don't want to have to put the kids in an after-school program, or hire a babysitter.
I have a wonderful opportunity to do something, but there might be some obstacles keeping me from that opportunity. I can't divulge that information now, or ever probably, but I'm just praying that God will take care of it, and give me 100% assurance that I should/should not take the opportunity.
Phoenix is doing well in full day Kindergarten. This is Kaileigh's last year in elementary school. my kids are growing up. It's nice. Scary, but nice. Every day they both grow a bit more independent.
I wish I could talk candidly about my life as some people do, but I fear that things I say could used as ammunition at some point if they're made known. I'm not trying to sound like I'm in the Mexican Mafia or anything funny like that, but I just don't want to ever cripple Mark's ministry here or elsewhere. Maybe someday we'll be in a situation that I can truly be happy about.
The LORD has really been speaking to my heart lately. It's so hard to listen and let myself be transformed. Maybe the Zoloft will help with that... :)
I have so many things to say, but simply no words to say those things. So many thoughts wander through my head all day, but I can never find a way to put them out there to everyone else. When I try, everything is jumbled and I edit draft after draft trying to make my point. The point is, I think, that there are really no points to be made. Just observations about myself. I don't want to end up sounding like a mad- woman or a rambler.
Wasn't it Moses who had the speech impediment and wondered why God would ever want to use him? I kinda feel the same way - I'm not eloquent, but I know God desires to use me for powerful change.
So for the time being I'll just continue on the quest - the one I've been on for a while now, trying to peel off the shallow layers on the surface to find the deep contentment I know can be found underneath.
Jesus is working on me. He has been knocking on my door for a long time. I just need to open myself up to Him so He can get to the broken parts. But opening myself up to Him is the hardest part. I believe in Him wholeheartedly, my husband is a Pastor for goodness sake, but I just can't devote myself to following Jesus with all my heart. I only want to give a little so that I don't have to make a commitment. It's the sad truth.
I read this today in an email devotional I receive:
"Contentment becomes like a new set of contacts or binoculars. Our world expands as we see beyond ourselves and invite God into the picture. It becomes a spiritual act of grace, a work of God in our hearts as we give it all to Him."
Lately I've been contemplative, not talkative. Just thinking about the importance of my spiritual growth, and how I handle my relationships with people. I haven't had much to say - especially about things important to me.
That's all.
Updates to come soon.
Sounds like a super hero with psychological issues to me. :)
Being anxious can sometimes be good. It's good to be anxious when you are going to get married the next day - obviously you're anxious for your wedding. it's good to be anxious if you're 9 months pregnant - obviously you want to meet your new baby.
But sometimes being anxious is not a good thing. Like for me. Tonight. Sometimes little things completely throw me off track, and I literally have to just go to sleep to wipe the anxiety away. I never used to be this way. I mean, I've always been anxious, things have always had to have a particular order, I've never liked change, etc...
In fact I am now recalling a particular incident when I was on a mission trip and the laundry had to be washed. Some students were chosen to do the laundry and I was not one of them. I had clothing that needed washing, but I was nearly having a melt down because others would be handling my personal items. I just couldn't handle it, and the whole time I was obsessing over the fact that other people were touching my things (of course I was smart enough to not put any underwear in). In fact one of my favorite Polo (that I got from the Polo store in Jackson Hole, Wyoming and paid for myself) socks was lost in the wash that day, and somehow I just knew other people were not competent enough to handle my personal belongings. Of course they were competent enough, and socks do get lost in the wash, but I was livid. I asked every single person if they had accidentally gotten my sock.
But in the past year or so this anxiety deal has really started to take its toll on me. It's more than just anxiety, it's also feeling like everyone is against me. Sometimes I hate what I've become - on the inside I feel like a huge freak, while on the outside I'm trying my best to appear normal.
Really it's a hopeless fight because I always look like the scared kid in the corner, the one who's mom forced them to go to the party. I hate attention, I hate being the center of attention, I hate being in public period. If I have to sit too close to the front at church I have an anxiety attack. I Swear (except I don't).
Tonight I came home with the kids after picking out new books for the plane ride back to MI. Mark had the college group over, and they were in a discussion for part of the Truth Project series. Everything was going good for them, but I felt uncomfortable walking in to my own house trying to do my own thing while they were there. it's fine when I'm involved too, but when I'm not it's a whole new game. I went in to the laundry room to put some towels away and noticed that one of my boxes was on the counter. I put it away, trying to think of why it might have been out. I walked out in to the living room again and noticed several notebooks laying around on the floor. It suddenly dawned on me that those notebooks had come out of my box. I started freaking out on the inside, and frantically stepped in the middle of the group to snatch up my notebooks and look through them to make sure none of them contained my personal thoughts, or Bible studies. They didn't. This made me feel a bit better, but I was realyl mad that these people might have had access to the inner workings of me - my notes, and writings.
They didn't, because the pages were empty, but I was still really angry. I looked like a huge freak grabbing those up, and embarrassed Mark. But I couldn't help it because I HAD to make sure no one saw my stuff.
Now, for the rest of the night I've had an elevated heart rate - I feel like I'm consistently on the verge of a panic attack, and I know that the only thing that will help is to sleep, which won't come for several more hours - my depression medication acts like a stimulant and I take it at in the morning and at night.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and weighed down by these problems that I didn't ask for - that I didn't bring on myself,that are just part of me and my behavior just like any other part of me and my behavior. They developed because of my brain chemicals. I have a hard time with that - knowing that God chose for me to have these issues.
So maybe it's my fault for not having recognized these issues earlier on and taken care of them then. I don't know. I do know that I can't beat myself up over these things, but that I DO need to give them to God. I need to look back at the way I've reacted to situations in the past and decide how I'm going to treat them when they come again (because they will come again).
I guess I just need God. His grace, His love, His mercy tonight. Because I can't get through it on my own.
