Andrea the Anxious

Sounds like a super hero with psychological issues to me. :)

Being anxious can sometimes be good. It's good to be anxious when you are going to get married the next day - obviously you're anxious for your wedding. it's good to be anxious if you're 9 months pregnant - obviously you want to meet your new baby.

But sometimes being anxious is not a good thing. Like for me. Tonight. Sometimes little things completely throw me off track, and I literally have to just go to sleep to wipe the anxiety away. I never used to be this way. I mean, I've always been anxious, things have always had to have a particular order, I've never liked change, etc...

In fact I am now recalling a particular incident when I was on a mission trip and the laundry had to be washed. Some students were chosen to do the laundry and I was not one of them. I had clothing that needed washing, but I was nearly having a melt down because others would be handling my personal items. I just couldn't handle it, and the whole time I was obsessing over the fact that other people were touching my things (of course I was smart enough to not put any underwear in). In fact one of my favorite Polo (that I got from the Polo store in Jackson Hole, Wyoming and paid for myself) socks was lost in the wash that day, and somehow I just knew other people were not competent enough to handle my personal belongings. Of course they were competent enough, and socks do get lost in the wash, but I was livid. I asked every single person if they had accidentally gotten my sock.

But in the past year or so this anxiety deal has really started to take its toll on me. It's more than just anxiety, it's also feeling like everyone is against me. Sometimes I hate what I've become - on the inside I feel like a huge freak, while on the outside I'm trying my best to appear normal.

Really it's a hopeless fight because I always look like the scared kid in the corner, the one who's mom forced them to go to the party. I hate attention, I hate being the center of attention, I hate being in public period. If I have to sit too close to the front at church I have an anxiety attack. I Swear (except I don't).

Tonight I came home with the kids after picking out new books for the plane ride back to MI. Mark had the college group over, and they were in a discussion for part of the Truth Project series. Everything was going good for them, but I felt uncomfortable walking in to my own house trying to do my own thing while they were there. it's fine when I'm involved too, but when I'm not it's a whole new game. I went in to the laundry room to put some towels away and noticed that one of my boxes was on the counter. I put it away, trying to think of why it might have been out. I walked out in to the living room again and noticed several notebooks laying around on the floor. It suddenly dawned on me that those notebooks had come out of my box. I started freaking out on the inside, and frantically stepped in the middle of the group to snatch up my notebooks and look through them to make sure none of them contained my personal thoughts, or Bible studies. They didn't. This made me feel a bit better, but I was realyl mad that these people might have had access to the inner workings of me - my notes, and writings.

They didn't, because the pages were empty, but I was still really angry. I looked like a huge freak grabbing those up, and embarrassed Mark. But I couldn't help it because I HAD to make sure no one saw my stuff.

Now, for the rest of the night I've had an elevated heart rate - I feel like I'm consistently on the verge of a panic attack, and I know that the only thing that will help is to sleep, which won't come for several more hours - my depression medication acts like a stimulant and I take it at in the morning and at night.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and weighed down by these problems that I didn't ask for - that I didn't bring on myself,that are just part of me and my behavior just like any other part of me and my behavior. They developed because of my brain chemicals. I have a hard time with that - knowing that God chose for me to have these issues.

So maybe it's my fault for not having recognized these issues earlier on and taken care of them then. I don't know. I do know that I can't beat myself up over these things, but that I DO need to give them to God. I need to look back at the way I've reacted to situations in the past and decide how I'm going to treat them when they come again (because they will come again).

I guess I just need God. His grace, His love, His mercy tonight. Because I can't get through it on my own.